I wrote a piece for VICE about consent as fantasy element in the 18th-century “Beauty and the Beast,” and a little about what happens to the shape of the tale when a retelling (say, I dunno, Disney) alters those elements: “How Disney’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’ Became the Darkest Tale of All.“
An excerpt:
The most powerful force in Beauty and the Beast isn’t magic,
or even love, but consent. Most retellings of Villeneuve’s version are
careful to keep it. The Beast is clear that Beauty must know what she’s
getting into. (In Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch’s 1910 version, it’s still
more explicit: The Beast warns Beauty’s father to “be honest with your
daughter. Describe me to her just as I am. Let her be free to choose
whether she will come or no…”) Later, the Beast asks Beauty herself if
she comes willingly. And that first dinner is marked by the Beast’s
deference to her wishes. Beauty’s earliest surprise is how much power
she wields. Even in his nightly request that Beauty marry him, he
defers. Andrew Lang emphasized the power dynamics in 1889’s Blue Fairy Book:
“Oh! What shall I say?” cried Beauty, for she was afraid to make the Beast angry by refusing. “Say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ without fear,” he replied. “Oh! No, Beast,” said Beauty hastily “Since you will not, good-night, Beauty,” he said. And she answered, “Good-night, Beast,” very glad to find that her refusal had not provoked him.
Lang was one of many who used marriage proposals for the nightly
request (Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont’s 1756 retelling was the
first), but Villeneuve was under no illusions about the story’s
undertones. In her original, Beast asks Beauty to sleep with him.
Beauty’s power is the ability to withhold sexual consent.
You do not have to be affectionate all the time to care for someone, in fact, caring can also mean a couple of texts or silence for a few days while you both live your lives happily and separately.
People do not care for you less when they’re busy with their own lives. It’s your reaction to them being their own person - and your ability to make yourself happy - that determines how they feel about you.
Not everyone reciprocates to your actions the same way. If you want someone to acknowledge, be interested in, or treat you a certain way for your efforts, all you have to do is let them know. They will try their personal best to accommodate that within their personal spectrum of feelings.
No one owes you 100% of them, not even after 30 years, because someone having a percentage of themselves is what keeps them sane at the end of the day and that’s okay.
The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. They are your people. You are not for everyone and that’s OK. Talk to the people who can hear you.
Don’t waste your precious time and gifts trying to convince them of your value, they won’t ever want what you’re selling. Don’t convince them to walk alongside you. You’ll be wasting both your time and theirs and will likely inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal. You are not for them and they are not for you; politely wave them on, and continue along your way. Sharing your path with someone is a sacred gift; don’t cheapen this gift by rolling yours in the wrong direction.
Man though you know what makes me sorta sad is when nerdy, “quiet” kids latch on to me during camp and they just talk and talk and talk about a thing they’re into (Skyrim, Pokemon, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, dinosaurs, whatever). And I see the kids just light up when they say something and I can chime in with an ‘oh hey, are you talking about [x]? I love that thing! Tell me more about it.’
Like, their parents will warn me ‘so-and-so is pretty quiet and hard to engage’ but no, man, just listen, your kid is so smart and so into This Thing, they’ll engage like fuck and talk your damn ear off it you let them. Frame it in their damn terms. Or! Just! Listen to them about their Thing! And they will engage with the rest of the material! Because they know you care about them! Amazing!!!
Quiet kids are usually that way because either no one listens, or there is always someone more dominant speaking wise in their group that always talks over them and then they give up. Some quiet kids are starved for attention and really really want to talk, but don’t always get the chance to
Grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go.
