a rift

business email glossary

• thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"
• thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up
• would you be so kind: fucking do it
• best: i have never physically met you
• all best: this conversation is over
• all my best: i wish you would die
• happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
• i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do
• i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to
• sorry to chase: answer my email
• so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
• i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
• please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem
• i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it
• i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to
• i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
• can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to
• per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
• great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
• thanks!: i'm not mad at you
• thanks!!: please don't be mad at me
• thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk
• please advise: this might be your fault
• kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
• mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator
• can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
• sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot
• let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again